I should probably put this as one of my facts, but I'm too lazy and I'm going to leave them be for now.

I'm not a coke-whore

--- I develop feelings for people too easily. I've noticed that and I cringe when it happens but I can't stop it. And what's worse? It's almost always for the wrong people.

I have a habit of being charmed by people. They're nice, funny, smart, we get along, I like them, and before I know it I have either developed an addiction to them, or I have somehow pushed them away from me. I don't know how I do it, but it always seems to be the way.

Case in point: J.

J and I started off our relationship on familiar grounds because we already knew each other, and we already had that certain level of trust that comes with knowing a person for awhile. I'm not saying that I trusted him implicitly, I didn't, but I trusted him more than the average guy. In the beginning of our flirtation, I wasn't even that attracted to him and didn't think we'd make it more than a few dates. I thought we'd just end up being friends. Then one night, we went to Ottawa on a whim, and on our drive back, I fell for him. That was about our third date. He was driving, I was looking out the window at the stars, he was caressing my hand with his, and I looked over at him and fell. Hard. He soon after became an addiction of mine, and like all addictions, it became simply too much to handle.

So maybe in retrospect I subconsciously sabotaged my relationship with J. I don't really know. All I know is that when we broke up, I was at the height of my addiction/infatuation/love, that I felt like I was crushed. He crushed me, I couldn’t breathe, he had the upper hand.

As time went on, I became more and more relaxed and now I'm feeling fine with my break-up with J. I don't know why. I truly did love him, and I was in love with him. Maybe my feelings are dissipating. I don't cry anymore. I smile more. I don't think about him as much. He's in my memory and will live there always, but when I am remembered of him I smile or think fondly of the memory. Whereas, before,... I was devastated.

Pressing on...

--- I had an opportunity for no-strings attached blissful sex yesterday, but I instead opted to go see a movie. Maybe my morals are still intact, or maybe I just tend to overanalyze/over think everything, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I am attracted to the guy, and vice versa, but I want a relationship and I want love. I also felt like if I did go ahead with it I'd be cheating. Cheating on whom? I do not know. Maybe myself, I guess. I'd be cheating myself out of a possible relationship... out of finding a Mr. Right instead of a Mr.Hello-I'm-Perfect-But-I-Live-3000 miles-away-From-You.

Or some such.

and so it is...